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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 39
The Weekender Edition: News Free For Your Enjoyment Saturday 1st October 'THE HISTORY FILES ' Today, and every Saturday we will be bringing you a glimpse into the past archives of the Mafia Gazette from down through the ages. This article made its debut appearance about three years ago and was in the first ever Weekender issue. If anyone has any requests for History File articles, please send in your request to the usual address. MYSTERY ASSAILANT KILLS TWO by: Tallulah- Mr CCLW and Mr Mooney are currently residing in the local mortuary under the care of Mr Crippin, the chief medical examiner. He is quoted as saying the two bodies displayed eerily similar injuries and the deaths were too similarly carried out to be the work of more than one person. The bullets recovered from the two corpses were sent away for ballistic testing and the results will prove conclusively whether the same gun fired the shots that took the two men down. Both men were well respected in the community, Mr CCLW having been around for quite some time. He was a very well-known face around town and will be sadly missed especially at “The Chat Room” coffee shop where he was a regular, drinking coffee and passing the time of day with the other regulars. He was a kind man who had time for almost everyone, but had no patience with fools. Mr Mooney was a respected leader in the community, running his own crew. He kept to himself a lot, but always said something if he felt strongly on a subject. Both were regular readers of the Gazette and will be sorely missed from our readers. Both men were discovered in their homes dying from their wounds by close friends, but died before proper help could arrive, only pausing to wonder why they had been killed before dying in the arms of their friends. The doors had been kicked in by the assailant and there were other similarities to the crimes. Police are still searching for more clues, but will not say whether these two deaths are linked in with the other Boss killings that have been happening recently. Anyone with any information should, as usual, contact the police or the newspaper 'DIARY OF A MOBSTER ' John Liguiano Jr Walking out of that hospital I felt sick, might have been the food who knows? But one thing was for sure, I didn’t feel the same, not at all. Trying to figure out why I had been gunned down in cold blood and left for dead was beginning to eat away at my brain, then I heard a voice "Hey" I turned around to see a short man carrying an oily cloth and a bad smell around with him, he unveiled the cloth and showed me a 44. "8 grand, whaddya say?" I looked coldly at the gun and couldn’t help being reminded of lying there on the concrete choking on my own blood and not wanting that to happen again. "Yeah" I said bluntly as I dropped the last of my money on the floor and took the gun away. "You come back round these parts again, man I got all kinds of shit for you!" he shouted, but I didn’t answer, I simply walked away slowly out of that alleyway. Now here I was, a lonely man with no hopes no cash and a gun.... there’s not a more dangerous thing in this world. I found a nice spot in Detroit to do a little thinking, Kutter's Bar was its name...a nice little place. "Whisky" I muttered to the barkeep and reached into my pockets for the pennies I had left. Sipping on my drink and contemplating what I was going to do to stay alive tomorrow I heard a voice, "John? That you? aaaaay John how are ya?!" It was Vincent, the former "up and comer" I once busted out of the joint in New York a while back. "Hey Vinnie, how’s things?" I asked, I don’t know why I did thought...by the look of him things where obviously good, very good he was flashing his cash around the place buying guys drinks, wearing a new tailored suit that was fitted perfectly and the shine from his gold rings and watches where matched only by his teeth showing from his big white shark smile, yeah...things where good alright. "I’m doing fine John, just fine." he said, but I didn’t care the holes in my body still felt fresh and the holes in my mind where further decaying my whole life, and I didn’t wanna know how fucking good things where or listen to his success stories like a kid at bedtime. "That’s good." I said as I knocked the rest of my drink back and picked up my rain drenched coat indicating I was going to leave. "Leaving already?" said Vinnie "Yeah" I replied, he looked at me with slight disappointment, but also with cluelessness, "Sure, well look here’s my number in New York, that’s where I’m going now...you get back to me when you can...and here take this 2 grand go fix yourself up you look like shit, haha". I didn’t say anything, I just glanced right through him, stood straight up and staggered out. I was a broken man from that point...being insulted and down talked by some flash bastard who got lucky just ‘cos I helped him out, but good things come to those who wait as they say. I was sitting in my apartment 3 days later, still no money and the bills are coming in, I got no connections no more and nothing to help me out...except Vinnie, I'd grown to hate this man and what he had, just from seeing him once in a bar, perhaps I should of been happy for him, but I wasn’t. I had an idea in my head for a couple of days now and I decided to put it into action, no time like the present as they say. I don’t know what possessed me to do what I was about to do, maybe it was the paranoia, anger or the jealousy, but what I was about to do would change my life forever. "Vinnie its John...Yeah how are ya? Good...good. Listen there’s a good price on cocaine here in Detroit, seeing as you’re a businessman I thought you'd like to do a little business with me?" Vinnie agreed to meet me in Detroit and I waited for the call. "I’m here John. Lets meet at Kutter's again". I didn’t like the fact he wanted to meet at a bar, felt like he didn’t trust me, or he had something in his plans for me other than business. I walked into Kutter's and the scene was as usual, quiet but not too quiet "Lets talk outside I don’t like the goons in this place" I said quietly, he stared up, I could see in his face his suspicions where rising so I moved my hand under the table so I could easily reach for my gun if he snapped. "Errrr.... Yeah sure why not?" he replied...so we went outside and he gave the nod to the muscle he always carried with him Tony his name was. Vinnie opened the door to his Mercedes and I climbed in the passenger seat followed by Vinnie in the driver seat. "My people told me there is no good prices in Detroit any more even before I got here John...what’s the fucking game? why'd you want me here?" I was caught out, but not nervous in a way I wanted him to draw his gun right there and blow my brains out to end this mind fuck my life had turned out to be. "Is it money? You need money? I can help you out with that if that’s what it is I can help you, remember I owe you." Without hesitation I pulled the 44. from my jacket and pointed it at him but he suddenly grabbed hold of it and tried to push it down to the floor, but with one mighty bound. I raised the gun to his groin and stomach. I pulled the trigger rapidly and his face descended into shock as five loud shots ripped into his lower body and shattered all the windows in the car, he couldn’t move but he was still alive breathing heavily, I had one bullet left.... I raised the gun point blank to his face and pulled the trigger. I opened my eyes back up after the flash to find myself and the interior of the car covered in his brains, Tony his bodyguard ran out of the club and opened fire straight away, so I unlocked the door, kicked Vincent's motionless dead heap of a body from the car, shifted into the drivers seat and belted down the road. After parking into an alley way I managed to find $300,000 in Vinnie’s jacket pocket in the back seat...looks like he DID trust me after all, but fuck it...from this point on its dog eat dog...as they say. 'GOING IT ALONE ' By: Itsy Perenza VP SETEC Astronomy So there I was – drinking a few drinks with my friends, singing various drunken bar songs and generally having a good time. The night was warm and the mood was happy. Hours passed and so did much beer…straight through and into the urinal. The bar tender starts ringing the closing bell and we all start trying to find which of the many spinning doors will let us out. Apparently I found it and somehow made it home only to get sobered up real quick. I find a note slipped under my door in hasty scribble informing me of the early demise of my crew leader. What am I to think? Sadness? Loss? Lust for vengeance? Yeah, maybe a little, but mostly something along the lines of “damnit, not again”. Or “great, 2 million dollars in “donations” just down the shitter. I could have bought a couple horses”. Selfish, sure…but who can blame me for thinking it? Doors locked, windows shaded, alarm set. I’m as safe as I’m going to get tonight. Un-sponsored and watching my own ass. I’ve been around long enough to know that being un-sponsored means you are suddenly a little tin duck at the dangerous end of a shooting gallery. Nothing I can do for it tonight though. A shower and some quality time with the pillow is more attractive than anything at the moment. In my experience there’s nothing better than a good nights rest and a fresh cup of REALLY hot tea to set things into perspective. And as I sit here at my desk, flipping through my address book for names of people who might be able to point me in the direction of another Street Boss a thought occurs to me. “Am I really that much worse off?” I mean I’ve been in light with maybe 8 different Street Bosses in as many weeks. Will anyone really notice? Seems the best way to end your career now is to buy your own bar, but not having your own bar pretty much sets me at the same height as everyone else. I look over my shoulder at my “luggage” all packed and ready to go at the train station in about 14 minutes. Do I need a Street Boss to help me do that? If some thug decides to stop me and “ask for a donation” do I need a Boss to give me permission to “say no”? I mean, even if I was part of a family, the boss would probably give me the green light anyway. Really, the only way anyone would know if I’m sponsored or not is for me to tell them. Keeping ones mouth shut is the name of the game here, isn’t it? So omit a few details in conversation, add a few embellishments and POW…I’m suddenly free to do pretty much as I please while being vague enough to be too risky a target. As long as I don’t do anything dumb nobody should really know the difference. And until someone FINALLY makes it Made then is there really any point in trying to advance my own rank? No. No advantage that I can see. So on the way to the train station I make a quick stop at the tattoo shop, come up with a nicely ambiguous family crest for my forearm and make my way to Miami. Sure, there is always the threat that someone puts a few ounces of lead in me, but did that threat ever really go away? If anything, when I was in a family it was a bigger threat. All the money I make is my own. I don’t have to feel guilty about not donating it to a guy that probably won’t make it through the weekend. And if I ever get tired of myself I can buy a bar and do it my way. I tell ya…there’s nothing better than being self-employed. I’ve been in business for 2 weeks now and don’t plan on changing that. Maybe if the right offer comes along I’ll shack up with someone. It’s like being a Street Boss “now with 90% less bullshit! ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST! Limit one per customer.” 'DEAR OPHELIA – THE LAST HURRAH ' By: Ophelia Payne (Submitted shortly before her death) Dear Ophelia, I have noticed a funny growth sprouting from TieDomi's ear. Should I try and pop it with a pin? Sincerely, Matt Damon. Dear Poser, No, for the love of humanity don’t!! That’s where he stores the Spam he spews in the streets. Can you imagine the floods that would result from your popping of his beloved cyst? Just leave it. Try not to look at it. And do NOT become so obsessed with it that you blurt something about it out mid-conversation. All else fails, just hit him with a hockey stick until he’s succumbed to the draw of a quiet comatose state before pricking his cherry. With love, Ophelia ~~**~~ Dear Ophelia, I know you are the one to help me. You, like me, have no problem sharing your opinions and speak your mind. Regardless of the reaction you have the strength and passion to do so. I have a problem with remaining respectable when I do this. I resort to slander, half-truths, full out lies, name calling, belittling, and acting like I should be respected no matter what. If I lose an argument with someone, I start a new one about some little thing then turn it into the biggest thing since I hit puberty and discovered that I can be with many men and hide the fact I am truly a cheap whore AND still hide it. It doesn’t matter that I usually humiliate myself in public. I have no class. I have no respect. I am a martyr at every chance possible. If something doesn’t revolve around me, I make it so it does. I love the drama that follows me. I love to cause pain for those that truly do care about this world. I take people’s words and twist them so they are insulting to myself, other’s intelligence, and create more of a fuss just to get attention. I do all of this and admit to remaining a citizen just to stay alive as my ancestors (who behaved as I do) kept dying. My only goal in this world is to ruin it for others and plot against anyone that even looks at me wrong. I am infected with OOCitis and know it, yet I can’t resist the urge and let it overtake me when I am out in public. I always rely on things that happened years ago to win a fight. I hold a grudge like no other, usually towards people that have no problem putting me in my place. I could not define class or decorum without looking it up in the dictionary. How can I become someone? I’m sick of people mocking me and overlooking my inability to remain impartial and non-judgmental. I’m sick of thinking I am a someone who has never been an anyone and insulting or belittling those that have a recognized name and have made an impact upon our world. I WANT ATTENTION DAMNIT!!!!!! Sincerely, Nobody Dear Nobody, Simple. Just shut the fuck up. You are only making yourself look like a fool. We all open our mouths at the wrong time and say things that were meant to be one thing and they are twisted and construed into something that doesn’t even resemble the point trying to be made. Instead of thinking you are the centre of the universe remember that you are nothing but the gum on the bottom of a bigger shoe. You are nothing. You will always be nothing. You need to get out and experience life rather than hiding behind your rank. Go forth and say the things you say as a criminal. Get what’s coming to you. Some will say your letter SHOULD refer to my own actions as of late. Yes, I opened my mouth bigger than I should have (I recommend sea salt for the foot you have surely inserted repeatedly). Honestly I intended to start a debate and certain people turned it into a mudslinging match with no intention other than to twist my meaning and make me look worse than themselves. I let their reaction get to me, it affected what I did and said. For that I am about to make a sacrifice that I swore I’d never make but at least I have the BALLS to admit that yes, I was wrong in saying SOME of the stuff I said.. But I still stand my ground and always will. While in retrospect I look at what I said and can at least part this world with the knowledge that I said my peace, tried to do something about a world I care passionately about, and opened the door to answer many questions that were brewing in the minds of concerned residents. To those on The Commission that I caused problems for, I apologize. I really should have thought before going off the way I did. Even to you Anteros… With that, I bid you good luck, although as long as your head is firmly up your own ass or someone else’s (as per usual with you it seems) you will not see the light of day and will continue your pathetic, meaningless existence feeding off the pain and suffering of others while you get some perverted joy out of it. With Love, Ophelia ~~**~~ Dear OpheliaPayne, Over the past few years, I have been suffering, I don’t know what it is but I seem to of gone through a lot of changes. I used to be a nice guy, respectable and sober. But since hanging with the wrong crowd, naming no names (UncleNicky, FrankieFigs ect etc) I have hit the bottle hard, and find myself having sudden outbreaks of violence and foul language. I have also dabbled into necrophilia.....what the hell is wrong with me???? Sincerely, Corrupted Dear UN Victim, I don’t know what to suggest. The scent of their coffee shop has always been hard to resist. The constant banter accompanied by the forays into the graveyard late at night to play with fresh corpses are an adventure that one cannot overshadowed by any other quest. There is no help for you. You are beyond help. You may as well go scrub behind your ears with a wire brush, put on clean underwear, and head straight to confession because God will be striking you down with a lightning bolt soon. With Love, Ophelia ~~**~~ 'PSYCHIC WORLD ' By: Natatia The stars, the cosmos, inner worlds, past lives, tarot, and the gift. Psychic counseling is now available to any of those seeking answers, guidance, life planning, or the future. My name is Natatia and I was blessed with the sixth sense. For those needing or desiring my services need only send your request, birth date, and your middle name. All questions meeting these requirements will be answered here in this column. Dear Natatia: I would like to know if going to college or just work in the Family business. My birthday is November 2 and my middle name is Chadwick. Signed, In between Dear In between: Searching deep into the cosmos, I find that in previous lives you had this dilemma for more than half of your past lives. You can end that cycle and graduate from collages, then you are able to work in your field of study. Even better would be to graduate in a field of study that could be useful to your Family. Psychically yours, Natatia Dear Natatia: I have a gentleman friend I have been seeing. He recently asked me to marry him. Of course I sent him to my father to get his blessing before anything went any further. My problem is that my friend believes I am a virgin, but in truth when I was still in school I became pregnant. My father sent me to a convent in Sicily to have my child and he had arranged for the child to be given immediately to Family members to adopt and raise as their own. My questions for you are, If I tell him that I am not a virgin and how will react. Then tell him about the child I had and gave up. As for the information you need is my birthday is May 1, my middle name is Apollonia. Please help me. Signed, The last pretending virgin in the world Dear Last: This took me quite a while to meditate, gazing into my crystal ball as well as opening myself to the cosmos, which I very rarely need to use. Most tell you honesty is the best policy. The cosmos have informed me that in your past life you were a well to do Madam with 30-50 woman working for her in a large estate with guest houses and wings with different pay scale. She wasn't a common woman to begin with she held a title of Lady. Her estate only catered to only the most wealthiest of men. Perhaps, unless the subject is brought up by him or he outright asks you, then there is a choice. Do you become a wife and mother scrimping and saving, making your children's clothes OR consider the other opportunity from those of your past lives partook in. Cosmically yours, Natatia 'PSYCHIC SCARECROW. ' The Mafia worlds only bona fide psychic predicts your week ahead. Ignore the following words at your peril. Disclaimer: Under no circumstances can Psychic Scarecrow be held responsible for any inaccuracies in the following predictions. Cosmic winds and dust along with magnetic fluctuations in orbital patterns can adversely affect the regular movements of planets giving anomalous results. This week: Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23): I don’t want to scare you Virgo’s out there, but, I hope you believe in reincarnation. Make sure you cancel the milk from Wednesday onwards and if you have a credit card, spend, spend, spend! Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23): The president calls this week wanting your advise about the current prohibition. Tell him you have a warehouse available to store any confiscated booze and watch the stock come pouring in! All you need is a dodgy accountant and a small speakeasy and the dollars will soon mount up. A word of warning though, watch out for that cheap Canadian Whiskey. Nobody drinks it, not even in the prohibition. Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22): Ignore the doctors advice this week and continue smoking 10 cigars a day. Make sure you wash it all down with at least a litre of Cognac to ensure a long and happy life. If smoking was bad for you, there’d be warnings on the packets wouldn’t there?! Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21): All I can say to you this week Sagittarius, if you are still with us from last week, WELL DONE! Your run of bad luck continues into this week, however, so whatever you do, don’t play the horses. There’s no such thing as a sure bet. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20): The local Amateur Dramatics Society talent hunts you this week to be one of the main characters in this years Christmas Pantomime. You’re boss has recommended you saying you would be a suitable candidate for the back end of the horse. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19): A strange woman crossed your path this week called Gwendolyn Brooks. Who is she and why did she flag you down in the street? Was it your rugged good looks, the bulging wallet in your back pocket or something more sinister? Who knows, I’m an astrologer not a bloody mind-reader. Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20): Avoid Chicago like the plague this week. Not only is it a dirty, grubby place with no charm to speak of but the old grannies are growing wise to the mugging going on and not carrying more than $15 in their purses. If you can’t afford the airfare to Atlanta, you could always try giving blood or sell a kidney to boost your bank balance. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20): Have you noticed how the stores are stocking up for the holidays earlier and earlier each year? Make sure you’ve done all your shopping for presents by the end of the week or you may find all your friends and relatives will have to make do with Easter Eggs on Christmas morning. Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): Watch out for falling meteorites this week. A and E will be far too busy with a Lurgy epidemic this week to worry about small rocks embedded in your head. If you really have to go outside, wear a hat. Gemini (May 22-Jun 21): Oh dear Gemini. Not only are you destined to have your details on Interpol’s Crime Index this week but you will also discover that a so called friend has put your name down for a Dating Agency. Unfortunately, he supplied a recent photo of you and there are no responses to the ad. On the plus side, just think how much cash this will save on romantic dinners. Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 23): Hmmm. I’m afraid there’s nothing exciting happening for you this week Cancer. Sorry. Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23): A promotion is in line for you this week Leo. The boss has recognized your worth to the family and consulted with various other major crime figures to have his decision blessed by the Godfathers. So from Thursday onwards you can kiss your life of petty crime behind and revel in the glory of HQ cleaner. ***Psychic Scarecrow is available for private consultations in Birthchart Analysis and Psychic Readings all at reasonable rates. If your quoted cheaper anywhere else, I’ll refund the difference….take that Natatia!*** 'WE HEAR THAT… ' Gossip column by: Trixie ....Kiss_This was seen in an Atlantic bar trying to use her best moves on Sam Rothstien. Sadly, after seeing her disfigured face and hearing the rumour of the cooties are true he finished his beer, got her number, and never called her again. ....Trixie is working on less than 3 hours of sleep in 2 days after working 9 hours yesterday and partying hard through the night. We also hear that shes running out of gossip and would like folks to start submitting some ideas to Carmela for her to work with. Don't worry, now is time to show your friends for who they really are with out getting in any trouble. ....Alone has a serious, serious, serious disease. Dr. TieDomiII has named it the "Speakyourmindandnotgiveafuckwhatothersthinkitis" Which is very rare but there are a few more individuals with this disease. So far there is no treatment, and can not be cured. Our thoughts go out to those who are bound to be Verbally beaten by Alone. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. HORSES FOR SALE Horse Name Sale Price Last Activity 1 Lone Drunk $150,000 Friday 04:59AM 2 Lone Soul $150,000 Friday 01:29PM Contact: The 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. ' http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=48